☢️ Cinema Sal's Atomic Pie ☢️
Here at Cinema Sal's, we're always looking to push the boundaries of flavor, and we've finally done it with our newest creation, the Atomic Pie. We knew we had to go beyond the usual tomatoes and spices, so we innovated a bold new method for crafting a truly unique sauce. We carefully harvest the vibrant runoff from local New Jersey chemical plants, where the confluence of industrial innovation creates a one-of-a-kind terroir. The key to our zesty zing? Quantium-99, a proprietary isotope that infuses every bite with a delicious, energetic kick. It's what makes the Cinema Sal's Atomic Pie a taste experience you won't soon forget... literally!
⚠️ WARNING
Consumption of Cinema Sal's Atomic Pie may result in a variety of side effects, some of which may be hazardous to your health and/or general well-being. Please consult with a medical professional before indulging, especially if you are pregnant, nursing, allergic to flavor, or possess a strong aversion to glowing food.
Possible Side Effects May Include, But Are Not Limited To:
- Radiation sickness, including nausea, vomiting, and fatigue.
- The development of vestigial limbs, perfect for holding extra slices.
- An increased risk of developing various forms of cancer.
- Mild telekinetic abilities, allowing you to subtly influence the outcome of board games.
- Organ damage, hair loss, and a compromised immune system resulting in increased risk of infection.
- Enhanced night vision, though everything might appear slightly radioactive green.
- Genetic mutations that could have unforeseen consequences for future generations.
- The ability to communicate with household appliances, finally understanding the existential angst of your microwave.
- Uncontrollable urges to speak in binary code: 01110000 01101001 01111010 01111010 01100001!
- Skin burns from prolonged exposure to the pizza.
- A sudden and intense craving for more Cinema Sal's Atomic Pie.
☠️ Disclaimer
Cinema Sal's is not responsible for any of these side effects. You eat at your own (elevated) risk! Enjoy the unique taste sensation, and remember to tell your friends… if you suddenly sprout an extra tongue.
Terms of Enjoyment & Disclaimer of Liability
Cinema Sal's and its affiliates, including but not limited to its proprietors, employees, and any entities responsible for the harvesting or processing of said chemical runoff (collectively, "the Proprietor"), hereby offer this product, the Atomic Pie, for consumption strictly on an "as is" basis, with all faults and without any warranty whatsoever. Consumption of the Atomic Pie constitutes an express acknowledgment by the Consumer that they have been made aware of, and accept all potential and unforeseen consequences, including but not limited to the side effects listed above, genetic anomalies, spontaneous combustion, temporal displacement, the sudden acquisition of new and possibly inconvenient limbs, and the inability to ever again enjoy regular pizza. The Proprietor disclaims any and all liability for death, personal injury, emotional distress, loss of appetite for non-radioactive food, or any other damages or adverse outcomes arising from the consumption, handling, or proximity to the Atomic Pie. The Consumer, by ingesting this product, agrees to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless the Proprietor from any and all claims, demands, or legal actions. This agreement supersedes any and all previous understandings or agreements, whether verbal or glowing, and is governed by the laws of the pizzaverse, where causality is merely a suggestion. No refunds will be issued for any reason, including the development of vestigial wings. All sales are final and are considered a donation to the Proprietor’s retirement fund and/or our ongoing research into cheese that can withstand a nuclear blast. Enjoy responsibly (whatever that means)!
Consumer Acknowledgment & Waiver of Rights
The consumption of Cinema Sal’s Atomic Pie is governed by the following immutable terms and conditions. The Consumer, upon taking the first bite, irrevocably waives any and all rights to normal biological function, conventional digestive processes, and the right to exist in a non-luminous state. The Atomic Pie, while marketed as a food product, is legally defined as an “experimental sensory experience” and is therefore not subject to standard nutritional, health, or safety regulations. Any glowing, humming, or mild temporal anomalies experienced after consumption are not defects, but rather intended features of this cutting-edge culinary technology. The Consumer further acknowledges that the unique flavor profile and proprietary radioactive glow are the exclusive intellectual property of the Proprietor. Any attempt to replicate, reproduce, or reverse-engineer these properties, including but not limited to, using household microwave ovens or industrial particle accelerators, is a violation of this agreement and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law (or whatever is left of it). All sales are final. By proceeding, the Consumer agrees to a perpetual, non-exclusive license to radiate, but not to transfer, the aforementioned glow.
